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I got into a fight with my mom today.
It was probably one of the worst one's we've had in a while, and it was really my fault.
I haven't felt like myself lately, and I was taking out my frustration on her. And it isn't okay that I did that. We made up and are fine now and everything, but it's something I wanted to to discuss here. Well, not the fight, but my behavior.
Really, the only word to describe what I've been feeling is disconnected.
A few days ago was my three year anniversary of the day I was diagnosed with cancer, and then my hard drive on my computer was fried (I got the computer working again, huge relief there), and then I was looking through some photos on my Google Drive to download onto my computer so I wouldn't have to hunt for them should I need them later.
I realized a few things, 1) I could actually physically see when I started to get sick, 2) there are so many people who are no longer a part of my life that I have to call strangers now, and I absolutely hate it, 3) I really need to take more photos, 4) I've had a wonderful life.
I also realized that I am a liar. I've been lying to myself for the past three years. Deeply.
It's a well-known fact that I'm incredibly indecisive. It's because I'm too scared to admit what I actually want. People ask me what I want, in relation to anything, and I always say "I don't know."
I'm terrified.
I don't allow myself to want things, to get those things, to be happy.
I'm scared it's going to be ripped away from me again.
It's made me realize that my PTSD is not as healed as I thought, but I just kept myself so busy that I didn't see it.
I think even on some level, choosing DBU as my school was a massive form of self-sabotage on my part. I put myself somewhere where I knew I wouldn't fit in and wouldn't enjoy, but convinced myself I would. And then I had the audacity to act surprised when I hated it and wasn't treated well there. I won't get into details on my horrible experiences at DBU, but if you have questions about it, please message me and I will answer them. I highly discourage anyone from going there or sending their kids there.
Anyway. Off-topic.
I've lost pieces of myself-
No, I've denied pieces of myself out of fear, out of the absolute terror that one day I'm going to get a scan and it's going to tell me the news I don't want to hear.
Sometimes, I forget how exhausting it is to pretend. It's more exhausting to be honest with myself, but I've had many a mornings crying in the shower to share with you what I'm sharing now.
I'm not happy. I'm not happy because I'm still living like that trapped little nineteen year old in that hospital room. She has a chokehold on me, and I don't know how to get out.
But, I'm trying.
I'm currently trying to find a therapist, I'm trying to open up to my friends (though I get scared it comes off as me just complaining all the time), and I'm trying to do more of what I love.
I've also realized I am massively afraid of commitment. But, uh. I've really not had much dating experience. I mean, I've had some. I've been on a handful of dates, but they just never seem to go well (like, dude. Get some manners. And some ambition).
It's hard. Trying to allow myself to want things, I mean.
It makes my brain hurt, to be honest, and more often than not, ends with me in a panic attack. But I'm trying.
I'm trying to do little things for myself. I wanted the new Taylor Swift album coming out next week, so I preordered it. I wanted to start reading more seriously again, so I went to the library. I wanted to color my hair red, so I bought a box of hair dye.
They're so small.
And, in a moment of vulnerability here, I'm going to confess:
It's extremely sad. It's extremely sad that I have a hard time letting myself even buy a Taylor Swift album.
These problems have been giving me depression, I think. Think about it, I can't decide on what I want on a small level, not really. So, I don't have larger goals. It makes me look wishy-washy and I get given a lot of crap for it, which makes it a lot harder. If I don't have long-term goals or dreams, I stop seeing the point. I stop caring. I lose my ambition, because why do I need it if I'm not working towards anything?
I've stopped caring about things, but not in the ways I used to not care. This is different. This is people. I've stopped caring as much about people, and that... That isn't me. And I don't know how to fix it.
I've started going to church with a friend, hoping maybe it will help. If not church, spending time with her and her family might. I've started to hang out with my coworkers outside of work. I've started to spend more time with my grandmother. I've started to pay more attention to my health.
I'm trying.
And I'm hoping, that maybe, just maybe... It's enough.
I miss connection.
The most connection I'm getting is with my fictional characters. Which, I mean, I've written 90 pages in the past month and a half, so that's absolutely fantastic.
I'm having a lot of internal processing going on right now. I'm learning new things about myself that I want to change. I'm definitely trying to cut myself some slack though, because I realize that I'm being to hard on myself sometimes.
Sometimes, I wish I could just pack up and run away from it all.
I'm having a hard time adjusting. It's been three years, and I'm still having a hard time adjusting.
But, that's okay.
Healing isn't linear.
And that's okay.
I have to remind myself of this all the time. And it's rarely easy, but it's getting easier. At a glacial pace, but at least there's movement.
It's a slow process, but I'm learning patience.
And, yet again, I'm up too late.
I'm going to go to bed now, because I have an early morning tomorrow, so I'm going to cut this post a bit short. I'll leave you with a few more thoughts before I dip out.
-What is holding you back from what you want?
-How are you getting in your own way right now?
-If there's one thing you need to hear right now, what is it, and why? Is there a way you can communicate those feelings to yourself?
And, in case you need it, just know I'm in your corner. Reach out if you need me. Or just want to chat. I'm down for both.
As always, lovelies-
Be cool, be kind, and be yourself.
Until next time,
Natalie
If you have five minutes to spare, watch or listen to this:
Three Things I'm Grateful For:
A loving and supportive family.
Finally getting a health diagnosis.
Having a comfortable bed.
Three Things I'm Looking Forward To:
Finishing my current novel.
My next photo shoot.
Watching Grey's Anatomy.
Date Written: October 16th, 2022
Current Read: Then She Was Gone by Lisa Jewell
Current Listen: "this is me trying" by Taylor Swift
Current Watch: Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life
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